


Suicide

by Graceaphine



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: 180 percent my tears, 2 percent fluff, 98 percent angst, A LOT of Angst, A lot of tears are shed, Angst with slight happiness but pretty crap ending, Bad Ending, Based on Rihanna's song Suicide, Contradictory thoughts, Depression, Especially by me, Everyone hurts, Hanahaki Disease, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Leo contradicts himself a lot, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Mentions of Suicide, Not Actually Unrequited Love, References to Depression, Requited Unrequited Love, Self-Hatred, Self-Loathing, Some Fluff, Song Lyrics, Song fic, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Terminal Illnesses, everyone cries, mostly angst, poor Leo, poor Mikey, the author is going to hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-08-01 20:37:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16291352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Graceaphine/pseuds/Graceaphine
Summary: Leonardo Hamato had feelings for his younger brother, Michelangelo.Leonardo hated himself for it.Will these stupid flowers hurry the Hell up and kill him already!?





	Suicide

**Author's Note:**

> Based on Rihanna's song "Suicide". 
> 
> This was originally going to be done as a KomaHina fic (Nagito Komaeda and Hajime Hinata from Dangan Ronpa) but I felt like writing turtle angst soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...
> 
> And yes, I know I'm going to Hell for this.
> 
> WARNING: THIS FIC IS SUPER SAD, READ THE TAGS TO MAKE SURE YOU ARE PREPARED FOR WHAT IS TO COME.
> 
> This fic can be read as any era of TMNT, however, there are references to the 2012 Turtles.

Leonardo sighed, closing his eyes and basking in the silence of his bedroom of which he had grown accustomed to. A couple of months ago, this would be the time of the day during which Leo would meditate or participate in some extra training, however, these days he was too tired to do so, his body lacking the required energy.

He didn't have the strength to do many things he used to, really. 

Rising slowly from the wall he was leaning against, Leo walked over to his bedroom window, not really sure what he was expecting to see except for sewage and waste. 

**Everywhere is still.**

Leo leaned forward on the windowsill. However, just as he began to allow his mind to wonder, a familiar tickle plagued his throat and Leo barely had any time to react before he leaned forward, clutching his stomach and started vomiting. A sea of red poured from Leo's mouth as if it were a waterfall, however, accompanying the warm, red liquid were flowers - purple lilacs, to be exact.

**Everything is restless in my heart.**

Leo found it ironic that, of all things, he was forced to vomit up these lilacs, which would one day clog up his airway and cause him to stop breathing completely.

Lilacs symbolised youthful innocence and confidence, while purple lilacs symbolised first love.

They reminded him of the one who had caused him to vomit these flowers up in the first place.

The one who had caused him to develop the Hanahaki Disease, albeit unknowingly.

That person was Michelangelo Hamato - Leo's youngest brother.

Yes, Leonardo Hamato had romantic feelings for his little brother and he hated himself for it.

**I hate the way this feels.**

Leo knew he shouldn't have these feelings - _Mikey was his baby brother!_ Yet, he couldn't help it. The younger sibling's cheeky smile, baby blue eyes and general cuteness were too overwhelming to ignore. 

Mikey's cuteness was so great that Leo felt as though he might drown in it.

Of course, there were cures for Hanahaki - the unlikely cure being Mikey reciprocating his feelings, while the slightly more likely option was surgery to remove the flowers blooming in the blue-clad turtle's chest. The problem with those options were that Leo was sure as shell Mikey wouldn't romantically have feelings for him - _his big brother_ \- and he couldn't go to a hospital to have the surgery since he was a mutant turtle and didn't want to give the hospital staff heart attacks. 

He could probably get Donnie to try and take the flowers out, if Leo wanted to. 

However, Leo was yet to actually tell his family about his disease.

Thankfully, the others were yet to notice. Well, the worried and suspicious glances Raph, Donnie and Master Splinter had been giving him told Leo they probably did know, or were at least beginning to suspect something. However, they were yet to confront him about it, which was relieving.

Leo had no idea what he would - what he _could_ \- say to them if they were to ask.

Leo doubted Mikey, at the very least, was suspicious.

Mikey was too innocent and pure to understand the raging ocean of black and red that was Leonardo.

Leo suspected he would probably have to come clean soon, however. 

The others would find out eventually.

With the luck that Leo did not possess, perhaps fate would make it so that they find out when Leo is already departed, unable to see their pained reactions.

**Suddenly I'm scared to be apart.**

Thankfully, Leo was not yet at the stage where he could no longer go on missions. However, he was doing less than he could before and had to rest a lot. As such, Leo had been purposely teaming up with Mikey whenever possible to make up for the time he would spend away from his baby brother resting.

Leo suspected he would soon no longer be able to go on missions.

**The days are dark when you're not around.**

Leo wasn't sure when exactly he had developed Hanahaki but assumed it was when he first developed romantic feelings for Mikey, for that was the day he first noticed it - about six months ago, following a pretty traumatic mission in which the eldest of the turtles nearly died.

The night after they had completed the mission, Mikey came to Leo's room, crying hysterically. In a tearful rant, Mikey begged Leo to stay with him because he _"couldn't bare to live without his big brother"._ As the younger turtle wrapped his arms around Leo and sobbed into his brother's chest, Leo noticed his face warm and a tint of pink graced his emerald skin.

Leo had thought nothing of it, until later the following morning when Leo had vomited a lilac while recalling the previous night's events. 

Ironically, that same night Mikey had made Leo promise to never leave him, Leo developed the disease which would force the older turtle to leave poor Mikey anyways. 

Leo coughed - _once, twice…_

Suddenly, he was covered in blood and flowers once again.

When the vomiting finally stopped, Leo panted and gasped, trying to regain his breath.

_His chest felt like it was being ripped open._

**The air is getting hard to breathe.**

Leo had considered suicide - _even attempted it a few times_ \- however, the thought of his father and brothers - _of Mikey_ \- grieving for him stopped Leo.

He couldn't bring himself to cause Mikey any sort of sadness, although Leo would inevitably cause Mikey sadness anyways when he eventually died.

**I wish that you would just put me down.**

Leo leaned against the wall again, closing his eyes once more. 

His body felt so weak, so heavy, so tired. 

All he wanted to do was rest.

_Leonardo wanted to die._

_But he couldn't._

_He also didn't want Mikey to be hurt._

**I wish that I could go to sleep.**

Hanahaki was a disease caused by unrequited love in which the victims of the disease were forced to vomit flowers, which grew in their chests from not having their feelings reciprocated. Eventually, the flowers would grow to the point where they would block the victim's airway, slowly suffocating them to death. 

Leo didn't even notice he was rubbing his neck as he thought about his inevitable demise.

_What would it be like to die?_

_Would he be awake for most of it?_

Leo coughed, holding his hand out to catch the blood soaked petal that came flying out. 

Leo smiled bitterly. 

_Would these stupid flowers just hurry the Hell up and kill him already?_

**Loving you is suicide.**

There was a knock at Leo's bedroom door.

Opening the door, Leo was surprised to see Raphael standing there with his arms crossed. However, Leo kept his surprise hidden from his expression - _at least, Leo hoped he did._

"Missed ya at breakfast." Raph told him.

Leo chuckled bitterly - _no, you didn't._

"Didn't feel like eating." Leo simply replied.

Raph obviously was not satisfied with his older brother's answer, even Leo knew it was a weak answer. 

"Dude, what's with you? Donnie and I noticed you've been acting weird lately - weirder than normal, I mean." 

**I don't know should I go or should I stay?**

Leo was conflicted.

Part of him wanted nothing more than to break down and tell his younger brother everything. He wanted to seek reassurance and comfort from his brother - to be told he wasn't alone and that everything was going to be okay, even though Leo knew it wasn't.

The other part just wanted to run. Run far away so he wouldn't have to deal with any of this. Somewhere cold, preferably. That way, Leo could freeze to death before the flowers got him. 

_Then his family wouldn't have to deal with him anymore._

**I'm trying to keep myself alive.**

At the same time, however, Leo couldn't die.

_He couldn't leave Mikey._

Leo wasn't sure what his beliefs were regarding death, the afterlife and all other related topics. However, if there was an afterlife of some sort, Leo would have to spend it without Mikey and the others - a lot of it, hopefully, since he didn't want them dying young too - and if he was going to have to be apart from his family when he died, he wanted to spend as much time with them before he died as possible.

**Knowing there's a chance it's all too late.**

Telling Raph he was fine once more, Leo was about to close the door when a familiar voice, the same voice that filled Leo's chest with butterflies every time - _or rather, petals_ \- called out to them, "Raphie, is that Leo you're talking to?"

Before Leo could say anything, Raph responded, "Yeah, Leo's here." 

In a flash, Mikey stood before Leo, his usual adorable, yet cheeky, smile on his face. "Morning Leo!" Mikey chirped happily, while Leo tried not to have a cardiac arrest.

"Hey, Mikey." Leo said, smiling at his younger brother - _the only thing that could really make him smile these days._

"Donnie said he would play buck buck with me, wanna join us?" Mikey asked.

Leo wondered how on earth Mikey got Donnie to agree to play with him and the look on Raph's face told Leo Raph was thinking the same thing. "No thanks, Mikey. I'm probably just going to rest a bit today. Maybe another time, though." Leo said, trying to smile reassuringly.

Mikey looked disappointed but didn't press Leo on the matter. Raph looked at Leo skeptically, the look on his face saying, _"You never rest!"_

Thankfully, Raph said nothing.

"Aww, okay then. Get some rest, big bro." Mikey said before reaching up on his tiptoes to kiss Leo's cheek, adding, "Love you!"

Leo wondered how his cheek wasn't on fire from how warm he became from the contact with Mikey's lips. Dragging Raph by the arm, or at least trying to, Mikey said, "Come on, Raphie, let's go."

Raph hesitated for a moment before eventually complying, saying, "Yeah. Okay, Mikey."

As he allowed himself to be dragged off by the youngest turtle, the look Raph gave Leo told him that the conversation wasn't finished - _at least not for Raph._

Leo himself, however, was very much finished.

As soon as they had left, Leo slammed his door shut, sighing in relief.

That was close - _too close._

**But I heard you say you loved me.**

Leo replayed Mikey's words over and over again.

_"Aww, okay then. Get some rest, big bro. Love you!"_

For some reason, Leo could still feel Mikey's lips against his cheek in the brief moment they made contact.

When he closed his eyes, all Leo could see was Mikey's smile as he leaned forward to kiss Leo's cheek.

**That's the part I can't forget.**

Leo sighed, suddenly regretting rejecting Mikey's offer. 

Leo debated going to find the others, recalling Mikey saying they were going to play video games. However, his pride and fear of rejection or giving himself away stopped Leo.

_He truly was pathetic,_ Leo realised, smiling bitterly as he stared at the same doorway Mikey had been standing in minutes earlier.

**And I wish that you'd come save me.**

For a moment, Leo closed his eyes and thought he heard the pitter patter footsteps of his youngest brother. Looking up in excitement, Leo's smile soon faltered as he looked around the room, finding no signs of anyone other than himself being present. 

_Must've been the wind,_ Leo thought. 

Suddenly, Leo's room appeared blander than he had remembered it to be mere seconds prior. 

_Probably because Mikey wasn't there._

**'Cause I'm standing over the edge.**

Leo mentally slapped himself.

_What was he doing having these thoughts about Mikey, his baby brother, of all people!?_

Leo should have been ashamed of himself.

Yet he wasn't.

And knowing that he should be, yet wasn't, made Leo feel even worse.

_What would Master Splinter and the others say if they could see Leo's thoughts?_

_Shell, what would Mikey say?_

Leo would never be able to look them in the eye ever again.

_Not that he deserved to in the first place._

**I should let you go.**

Mikey came back to visit Leo again later that afternoon.

As he greeted Leo, Mikey cheerfully said, "Hiya again, big bro."

As those words came out of Mikey's cute, plump, small lips, Leo couldn't help but feel like he had been stabbed when he heard the words, _"big bro"._

Once again, Leo was reminded that he would never be anything other than Mikey's big brother.

**Tell myself the things I need to hear.**

"I brought you lunch." Mikey said and Leo only realised then that Mikey was holding a tray.

Leo smiled, taking the tray from his sweet brother, grateful for his brother's generous gesture. 

_Leo was grateful that Mikey was just being himself, really._

"Thank you." Leo said, "You didn't have to go through so much trouble just for me."

"Nonsense!" Mikey replied, "Anything for my big bro."

Again, without warning, Mikey kissed Leo's cheek before leaving.

Again, without warning, Leo was left looking like a blushing fool.

**But my brain is wired wrong.**

Leo closed the door, sitting down on his bed and staring blankly at the tray in front of him.

His body may have been present in the room, yet his mind was elsewhere.

He knew he shouldn't, but all Leo could think was one thing: _how much he missed Mikey._

Leo vomited again.

Leo smiled as he examined the bloody petals in front of him.

_More flowers to add to his garden._

**That's why I'm loving you when you're not here.**

Leo couldn't help but grin as he thought to himself how morbid it would be of him to confess his feelings to his perfect, angelic baby brother by presenting him with a bouquet of the same bloodied flowers of which Leo had been vomiting. 

**Feels like I down in your every word.**

Again, Mikey's words swarmed in Leo's mind.

_"Aww, okay then. Get some rest, big bro. Love you!"_

_"Anything for my big bro."_

They were all Leo could think about. 

**And every breath that's in between.**

Leo thought back to Mikey's lips when he said those words, how cute his lips looked, especially when they puckered as Mikey pronounced the _"o"_ in _"bro"._

Leo chuckled, leaning his palm against his forehead.

_Shell, he was obsessed._

**Somehow you got me where it really hurts.**

A sudden stabbing pain in Leo's chest caused the leader to grip his chest, wincing in pain.

Soon came the tickling and Leo stumbled over to his window to prepare for what was to come. 

As Leo vomited, flower after flower fell from his mouth, each one soaked with blood. The petals and blood fell into the sewer water below the window, turning the previously murky, green water an ugly mix of red, black, green, waste and flowers.

**It's killing every part of me.**

Wiping his mouth, Leo shut his window once more and drew the curtain so he wouldn't need to look at the petals and blood he had vomited onto the ground outside. Even if they were being slowly dragged away by the sewer water, Leo didn't want to look at the ground on which he had vomited on at all. 

There was another knock at his door. 

Leo opened it, thinking - _hoping_ \- it was Mikey.

It wasn't.

**Loving you is suicide.**

Leo looked at Raph, then at Donnie, before asking, "What are you guys doing here?" 

Holding something up in his hand, Raph said, "We need to talk."

Leo nearly vomited - _again_ \- when he realised what Raph was holding.

A bloodied, purple lilac petal.

**I don't know should I go or should I stay?**

Leo wasn't sure when he sat down on his bed, or when Raph and Donnie had stepped inside and closed his bedroom door. Leo knew they were talking but whatever they were saying was lost on his hazy, unfocused mind. Slowly, in a distant, quiet voice, much different from his usual tone, Leo asked, "How did you find that?"

"To make a long story short, Mikey insisted we play outside. I took a break and found a bunch of these floating in some sewer water near your window." Donnie explained.

Leo bit his lip.

_Fuck._

"What the fuck, Leo!? Why didn't you say anything?" Raph snapped.

Leo chuckled bitterly, earning confused glances from his brothers.

_Good question._

Quietly, Leo responded, "You wouldn't understand."

For once, Leo was unsure of what to say. He couldn't just say, _"I'm terminally ill because our little brother doesn't reciprocate my incestous feelings towards him."_

Neither of them would ever be able to respect Leo again.

"What do you mean we wouldn't understand!?" Raph growled, looking as if he might strangle Leo if he didn't elaborate.

_Then the flowers wouldn't even need to kill him._

Donnie placed a hand on Raph's shoulder to calm him down before turning to Leo and asking, "Is it because of whoever you have feelings for that you can't tell us?" 

Leo hesitated. Then nodded.

Silence.

"Is it Mikey?"

Leo nearly fell off his bed from shock.

**I'm trying to keep myself alive.**

Leo looked at Donnie, speechless and eyes wide from shock. Donnie's expression was unreadable as he asked, "It is, isn't it?"

Leo felt tears well up in his eyes and he couldn't bring himself to maintain eye contact with his brothers, feeling ashamed of himself. "I'm sorry." Leo choked, "I know he's our brother and you must think I'm disgusting-" 

"Dude, we don't think you're disgusting." Raph said.

Again, Leo stared at them, shocked.

"We could never think you're disgusting." Donnie agreed, "You're our brother."

"B-But I have feelings for Mikey! Our baby brother!" Leo exclaimed, confused as to why they did not hate him.

"And Donnie and I are dating."

Leo blinked.

"You...what?" 

Leo looked at both of his brother's faces for any signs to say that they were joking. 

He found none.

"Since when?" Leo asked.

Donnie shrugged, casually saying, "A couple of months." 

"Couple of months!?" Leo repeated, shocked.

How had he not figured it out earlier!?

"Yeah." Raph responded with a grin.

It was nice seeing Leo not knowing something for once.

"Remember that time I said I thought I saw some Foot Soldiers while out on patrol once and insisted Donnie and I check it out together?" Raph asked.

"That time you came back past midnight and Master Splinter panicked?" Leo asked.

Donnie nodded, saying, "There was no Foot Soldiers. We were just using it as an excuse to go on a date." 

Leo looked at them, surprised. He wasn't sure how to react or what to say. Of course, he was happy for them but Leo was disappointed at himself for not picking up on any signs hinting to their relationship earlier - _he was supposed to be more vigilant than that and these were his brothers, Leo should know how to read them!_

"So we know better than anyone when we say that even though you're scared, you don't have to feel ashamed for having feelings for Mikey. We would support you no matter what." Donnie said warmly, "But you should tell Mikey. He has a right to know and besides, it's not worth costing you your life."

"NO!" Leo exclaimed, startling his younger siblings who were not used to seeing Leo so emotional.

The tears Leo had been desperately trying to hold back, especially in front of his little brothers, flooded down his face as the leader helplessly and pathetically sobbed. "I-I can't! I don't want to! P-Please don't tell him. I don't want him to hate me!" Leo begged, his voice almost child like.

Donnie frowned saying, "Leo, Mikey could never hate you."

"Why would I hate Leo?" 

**Knowing there's a chance it's all too late.**

Leo froze when he heard that sweet voice. Leo looked up and as he saw those adorable, baby blue eyes, his world shattered. Leo covered his mouth and wiped his cheeks, trying futilely to hide the fact that he had been crying. Leo stared at the floor, too scared to meet Mikey's gaze. Leo didn't know what to say. _What could he say?_

Donnie bit his lip and looked over at Raph, silently asking what they should do. Of course, they had to answer Mikey but Donnie didn't feel comfortable telling Mikey Leo's secret. 

Raph did not appear to be nearly as conflicted, however.

"Leo has a crush on you."

Donnie glared at his lover, snapping, "Raph! I can't believe you just told him!"

"Well, Fearless over there wasn't going to!" Raph responded, annoyed as he gestured towards Leo, who wanted nothing more than a hole in the earth to open up and swallow him up.

_In that one moment, Leo desperately wished that his multiple past suicide attempts had succeeded._

Mikey looked at Leo, eyes wide with shock, asking, "Leo's in love with me!?"

Leo felt like running out of the room - _running away from his problems, just like he always did._

Suddenly and quite quickly, Leo pulled himself up from the bed and began to run out of the room, ignoring the tightening of his chest as he did so. Donnie called out to him and Raph tried to stop the eldest turtle by grabbing his upper arm, however, Leo quickly tore himself from Raph's grasp. As he reached for the door, Leo froze at the feeling of small arms wrapping around him.

"Leo, don't leave me please!" Mikey begged, voice cracking from holding back tears. 

Leo was reminded of when Mikey had said those same words before - _the night following the mission in which Leo had almost died._ Then, he thought of those words Mikey had told him more recently.

**But I heard you say you loved me.**

Leo felt his knees give way and suddenly he was on the floor, tears streaming down his face and being cradled lovingly by his youngest sibling.

Leo felt pathetic that he had to be comforted by his younger brother - _it should be the other way around._

Suddenly, Mikey leaned forward again and once again kissed Leo's cheek, setting Leo's cheeks ablaze once more.

"I love you, Leo." Mikey purred.

Leo looked up at that, eyes wide as he noticed something. Before, when Mikey said he loved him, he said, _"Aww, okay then. Get some rest, big bro. Love you!"_

Now, it was, _"I love you, Leo."_

_How come Mikey did not call him big bro again?_

_Was it possible he returned Leo's feelings?_

_No._

_No, Leo was probably just reading too much into it._

**That's the part I can't forget.**

"Tell me everything." Mikey said.

Suddenly, jumbled clumps of words poured out of Leo's mouth - in larger amounts and higher speeds than he had ever uttered previously in his entire life. Leo told Mikey everything - _about his feelings towards Mikey and how it formed, the Hanahaki Disease, how Donnie and Raph found out…_

_Everything._

Mikey didn't say anything, just hugged Leo and waited patiently until his brother was finished speaking. When Leo was finally finished, an eerie silence hanged in the air, which Leo realised he may hate more than rejection.

"Please, say something..." Leo whispered, biting his lip.

**And I wish that you'd come save me, boy.**

"Is there a cure?" Mikey finally asked.

"Well, there's two options. Either, you reciprocate his feelings or he has surgery to remove the flowers from his chest. However, to perform the surgery would require advanced medical equipment and I'm not sure if I can do it with just the stuff in my lab. It's extremely risky since the flowers are growing in his chest." Donnie explained.

_Leo had briefly forgotten Raph and Donnie were there._

**‘Cause I’m standing over the edge.**

"I understand if you don't feel the same way. I don't want you to force yourself to love me just to cure me, either." Leo said, "Really, I'm fine with dying. I've already come to terms with-" 

Leo was cut off by Mikey pressing his lips against his.

Leo's eyes shot wide open. 

_Mikey was kissing him on the lips!_

Smiling, Leo felt tears of happiness roll down his cheeks as he closed his eyes and kissed his brother back, enjoying Mikey's sweet taste of candy, ice cream and most of all, pizza. 

Raph and Donnie smiled in delight, happy for their brothers and the fact that since Mikey reciprocated Leo's feelings, their brother was going to live!

Pulling the purple-clad turtle closer, Raph planted a kiss on Donnie's soft lips. 

**Loving you is suicide.**

The happiness and love in the room was radiant, practically glowing from the brothers and their displays of affection. 

"I love you, Leo." Mikey whispered against his brother's lips.

_Leo had never felt so happy in his entire life._

Of course, all good things must come to an end eventually.

**And my world's about to break.**

The brothers pulled apart at the sound of gagging and vomiting. 

All eyes turned to Leo, who was once again soaked in lilacs and blood. 

"L-Leo!" Mikey exclaimed, worry in his eyes.

"Wait, isn't the stupid thing supposed to be gone now!? Mikey loves him back!" Raph said.

Donnie had a hand on his chin, which usually meant he was thinking and the fearful look on his face signalled that whatever he was thinking wasn't good. "What?" Raph asked his lover.

"Um...Well, not much is known about the Hanahaki Disease and of course whatever research has been done was done on humans, rather than mutant turtles. In all studies I have read, the disease would be cured at this point if he was human. However, because we're mutants, perhaps the disease has different effects on us." Donnie said.

Leo's heart sank at Donnie's words, as did everyone else's, especially Mikey's.

Mikey looked as if he was going to break down in tears as he asked, "S-So Leo still might die!?" 

Biting his lip, Donnie nodded slowly, tearfully apologising, "Leo, I'm so sorry."

Leo opened his mouth to respond but was cut off by Raph, "Isn't there anything you can do, Donnie? You're the brainy one here!"

"Well, there's the surgery but like I said before, it's risky and I don't know if I have the equipment. Besides, we don't even know now if it will work on a mutant turtle." Donnie replied.

"It's worth a shot though, right?" Mikey asked, trying to sound optimistic and hopefully like he usually did.

Leo shook his head, sighing, "No, it's too risky. It's okay, guys. I've already made peace with the fact I'm going to die." 

**And I've had as much as I can take.**

"But I haven't!" Mikey exclaimed, the tears finally falling from his eyes.

Suddenly, before anyone could stop him, Mikey ran out of the room crying. Leo frowned. He felt horrible. _Mikey was crying because of him!_

_He didn't deserve Mikey's tears._

"I'll go after him." Raph said before leaving the room.

Donnie placed a hand on Leo's shoulder, trying to reassure the eldest, "Don't worry, Leo. Mikey just needs time to process that you're..."

"Dying." Leo finished for Donnie.

Donnie bit his lip, hugging his eldest brother and saying, "He'll come around, eventually." 

Leo sighed, not believing Donnie's words, yet forced a smile regardless.

"Thanks."

**And love is a long way down.**

Leo told his brothers he wanted some time alone to clear his head for the rest of the evening and sat alone in his bedroom. He hadn't bothered asking Raph what happened with Mikey - _he was too scared to._

Leo had considered going to talk to Mikey himself, yet once again was too afraid.

Leo smiled bitterly.

_Hah, so much for "Fearless"._

Leo's lips still tingled from when he kissed Mikey and Leo kept replaying the moment in his head. 

It was magical, the best moment of Leo's life.

Yet just as quickly as it happened, it was taken away from Leo, ripped away from him like his heart was ripped when Mikey left him. 

Leo couldn't stop hearing Mikey's voice as he told him he loved him over and over again. 

_"I love you, Leo."_

_"I love you, Leo."_

_"I love you, Leo."_

For what felt like the tenth billion time in his life, Leo buried his face into his hands and sobbed for what felt like hours.

_Why couldn't the stupid flowers just kill him already!?_

**Loving you is suicide.**

Leo didn't know why he bothered answering the knock on his door, maybe some part of him stupidly thought it was Mikey.

It wasn't.

"M-Master Splinter! What are you doing here?" Leo asked, he expected it to be Raph or Donnie.

"Donatello and Raphael told me everything." Splinter said, his expression and tone unreadable.

Leo bit his lip and asked, "Everything?"

"The Hanahaki and your feelings for Michelangelo." Splinter responded.

Leo looked down, whispering, "Oh." 

"Sensei, I'm sorry. I know we're brothers and-"

Splinter cut Leo off, holding up a paw and saying, "Silence."

Leo's mouth immediately clamped shut.

Leo began to panic, wondering if he had disappointed or disgusted his father.

_Yet another disappointment to add to the list._

Splinter's expression softened into a sad smile as he hugged his eldest son. "You should have told me sooner! Never keep anything bothering you, especially when it concerns your health and other brothers, from me. Understood?" Splinter asked.

Leo nodded slowly, sobbing into his father's shoulder - _something he had not done since he was a small child._

"Your brothers and I will never be disgusted by you or drive you away. Who you love is completely your choice and we will always support you." Splinter said, rubbing his son's back soothingly.

"T-Thank you, d-dad." Leo sniffled, embarrassed by how child-like he sounded.

Splinter smiled, replying, "Anything for you, my son." 

Splinter's voice became slightly more stern and serious, yet retained its original gentleness, as he added, "However, you must reconcile with Michelangelo. You'll need as much support as possible in the coming weeks and I'm sure you don't want to die and leave things between you and your brother as they are now." 

Leo nodded, knowing his father was right and whispered quietly, "Hai, sensei." 

Splinter hugged his son closer, saying, "I love you, my son."

Leo smiled.

"Love you too."

**And it's getting harder every day.**

With Splinter's encouragement, Leo eventually found the courage to venture outside the isolated cage he had created for himself in his room. Leo and Splinter quickly found Raph and Donnie sitting on the couch watching TV. Donnie was lying on Raph's lap and the red clad turtle was stroking his lover's face tenderly. Leo looked over at the TV screen and was surprised with what he saw.

"No way, there's a new season of Space Heroes!?" Leo asked.

Raph and Donnie both looked up in surprise, unaware that they had company. Their faces lit up with happiness as they realised Leo was out of his room. "Leo!" both of his brothers exclaimed happily, practically leaping from the couch to hug their big brother.

Splinter smiled as he watched his sons embrace, each of them looking genuinely happy. Leo smiled as he hugged his brothers back, asking, "Since when were you guys into Space Heroes?" 

"We're not." Raph said.

Leo tilted his head to the side as he looked at his brothers with confusion, asking, "But then why are you watching it?"

"'Cause it reminded us of you." Donnie replied.

Leo blinked in surprise before smiling, touched by his brother's cute gesture. "Your brothers must care for you very much, Leonardo. Especially if they're willing to put up with your odd interests just to be reminded of you." Splinter said with a small smirk.

Leo pouted, defensively saying, "Space Heroes is amazing!"

Raph rolled his eyes, saying, "It's for two year olds." 

"And Leo too, apparently." Donnie said, grinning.

Raph also grinned, "Like I said, two year olds."

Leo glared at both of them, although he knew they were joking and he wasn't really mad. If anything, Leo was glad to be able to joke around with them again. "I regret coming out of my room." Leo lied, folding his arms and pretending to sulk.

"Come on, Fearless. You can watch this stupid show with us and tell us what the Shell is going on." Raph said, gesturing to the extra space on the couch.

Leo smiled, replying, "I would like that."

However, as much as Leo wanted to join them, he couldn't do so just yet. "But first, do you know where Mikey is?" Leo asked.

Both Raph and Donnie's smiles fell. Biting his lip, Donnie said, "He hasn't come out of his room since..."

Donnie trailed off but Leo knew already what he was going to say - _since Mikey ran out of Leo's room._ Leo nodded and told his brothers and father he would be back before heading to Mikey's room. Of course, the others had offered to come but Leo refused.

_He had to do this on his own._

**I'm trying to keep myself alive.**

Leo arrived at the orange-coloured door to Mikey's bedroom. Leo gulped. He was nervous of what Mikey would say to him - _if he was willing to speak to him at all, that is_ \- but at the same time, he was excited to see his adorable little brother. However, as Leo opened his mouth to call Mikey's name and knock on the door, the familiar tingling and tickling of his throat began and Leo had to support himself on the wall to prevent collapsing as a multitude of bloodied petals poured from his mouth. As petal after petal fell from his mouth, Leo thought he heard someone say his name. Suddenly, familiar small and warm arms wrapped around him and held a bucket in front of the blue-clad turtle to vomit into. 

Leo heard the sound of several footsteps and looked up weakly. Leo had to blink the tears of pain from his eyes to make out the faces of Raph, Donnie and Master Splinter standing over him.

_Wait, if they were standing in front of him, the person hugging Leo from behind must be-_

"Mikey!" Leo said weakly as he choked out another petal.

Mikey shushed his eldest brother, rubbing his shoulders soothing as he said, "Don't worry, Leo. I've got you." 

_There were so many things Leo wanted to do at that moment, so much he had to say to his beloved brother._

However, all that came out were petals.

Knowing there's a chance it's all too late. 

When the vomiting had seemed to finally stop, Leo was once again caught off guard by Mikey, who lifted the leader up bridal style and gently carried Leo to Mikey's bed, where the youngest turtle proceeded to gently lay the eldest. _Leo wondered since when was Mikey able to carry him? Had he really lost that much weight?_

The others were still with them - _at least, Leo assumed they were_ \- but Leo fixed his teary gaze on his youngest brother's sparkling eyes. Mikey smiled tenderly at Leo as he lovingly squeezed the eldest’s hand. "S-Sorry..." Leo managed to weakly croak out.

"No, I'm the one who's sorry." Mikey said, tenderly nuzzling Leo's cheek, "I shouldn't have ran away during your time of need. Can you forgive me, Leo? Please?" 

Leo smiled, weakly kissing his baby brother in response.

"Always."

Mikey smiled, kissing Leo back and saying, "I promise I'll stay by your side and make however long you've got left the best time of your life." 

Leo nodded, happily leaning his head against Mikey.

"Thank you." 

For once, Leonardo didn't feel afraid.

_Hah, now he really did feel like he was "Fearless"._

In the arms of his precious little brother, Leo felt like he could be and do anything.

True to his word, Mikey and the rest of their family spent the next couple of weeks making sure Leo had the time of his life. They managed to do a lot of things Leo had always wanted to do and kicked off a lot of things off Leo's bucket list - _said bucket list which, until the Hanahaki developed in him, was previously non-existent._ Leo had never felt closer to his family and he couldn't recall the last time he had smiled and laughed so much in the span of just a few weeks.

The others had agreed that as much as possible, they would pretend that there was no Hanahaki - _that everything was perfect and Leo wasn't dying._

Leo also made them all promise to not grieve for him when he died. None of them really liked that promise, especially not Mikey. However, they couldn't say no to their big brother.

Mikey and Leo's relationship had also flourished during these few weeks. They had gone on many dates and frequently kissed each other and held hands - Raph pretended to be disgusted by it so Leo and Mikey would pretend to be disgusted whenever Raph and Donnie were affectionate.

Of course, as the days went on, the pain in Leo's chest grew until he could no longer ignore it.

It soon became evident that Leo only had a couple of days left - for Leo to survive a week would be a miracle, according to Donnie.

After finding out the news, Master Splinter had asked Leo if he had any last requests.

"I want to get married to Mikey." 

**And I'm way past every moment.**

His family did everything they could to make sure Leo and Mikey had an amazing wedding. Of course, since mutant turtles can't officially get married, they had to make do with what they had. Using reusable items, mostly from their birthday parties from when they were all little, Donnie and Raph had decorated Leo's room to look as close to a church as possible. 

The room literally looked like a toddler had decorated it but regardless, Leo thought it was perfect.

For some odd reason, Mikey had insisted on wearing a wedding dress.

The reason for this, Leo did not realise until he saw Mikey walking down the _"aisle"._

As Leo's bedroom door opened, which in their pretend wedding was the church's door, Splinter entered the room, followed by Michelangelo.

Leo bursted into a fit of giggles - _something he had not done in a while, if he had ever done so in his life._

Standing across from Leo was Mikey, his little brother, in a wedding dress made of toilet paper and decorated with what seemed like pink ice cream, complete with extremely smudged face pain as _"makeup"._

_If Leo died at that moment, with that image the last thing in his mind, Leo wouldn't have minded._

Originally, Mikey tried to get rings made out of pizza but because it was hard to make circular rings from triangle slices and they thought the pizza would eventually spoil and smell horrible, Mikey made them rings out of paper instead. For the record, the rings were also sprayed with obscene amounts of glitter for good measure.

As they said their vows, Leo looked deep into Mikey's shining eyes and for that moment, everything except for them and their "wedding" disappeared from Leo's mind - _his fears, the disease, everything._

As soon as the priest - _Splinter_ \- pronounced them as married, Leo claimed his lover's lips, passionately kissing his love. Mikey closed his eyes, kissing Leo back and throwing the paper-made bouquet of flowers into the air, which happened to land on Donnie's lap. Donnie's face turned dark red as he caught the flowers, "Wait, since I caught the flowers, does this mean-" 

"Raphie and Donnie are getting married next!" Mikey exclaimed, grinning cheekily. 

Leo laughed at Donnie's embarrassment, playfully saying, "Congratulations, guys!"

Even Raph seemed amused as he turned to Donnie and said, "You're wearing the dress, though."

"W-Why me!?" Donnie shrieked, face darkening even more - if that was even possible.

The room erupted into laughter.

**But I'm still determined to fight.**

Surprisingly, Leo had lasted a couple of days past the week life expectancy Donnie had given him. Leo had tried to hard to stay alive - _to stay with Mikey and the others _\- but he couldn't prevent the inevitable.__

__Leo was lying on his bed, surrounded by his brothers and father. Splinter was holding his son's hand while Mikey caressed Leo's face. Leo had been sleeping more frequently the past couple of days so to stay awake long enough to say goodbye to his family was a struggle for the dying turtle._ _

__Leo smiled weakly at Raph, jokingly saying, "Well, you always wanted to be the leader."_ _

__Raph looked down in what appeared to be guilt, saying, "Well, y-yeah but I didn't want it to happen like this!"_ _

__If Leo didn't know better, he would've thought those were tears in Raph's eyes as the second-eldest turtle continued, "I'm going to miss you, bro. I prolly didn't say as much as I should've before all this, but I love you, Leo."_ _

__"I love you too, little brother." Leo replied with a weak smile and cough, "You're going to make a great leader."_ _

__Donnie reached over to grab the bucket next to Leo's bed, in case the coughing turned into vomiting, as it so often did. Thankfully, it didn't. "Thanks, Donnie." Leo said._ _

__"No problem." Donnie replied, smiling sadly._ _

__"Make sure Raph doesn't let his anger get the best of him, okay? Make sure he doesn't murder anyone." Leo said, only half joking._ _

__"Hey!" Raph growled, "I can control myself!"_ _

__"No, you can't." Donnie said._ _

__Mikey laughed, "Raphie got told by his boyfriend!"_ _

__"Shut up!" Raph snapped._ _

__Turning back to Leo, Donnie said, "You can count on me, Leo."_ _

__Leo nodded, smiling as he caressed Mikey's cheek, the younger turtle nuzzling against his hand. "Take care of my ray of sunshine for me too." Leo told his other two brothers, lovingly holding Mikey._ _

__"I can take care of myself too, though." Mikey said._ _

__"I know." Leo said, stroking Mikey's cheek with his thumb, "I guess I'm just a worrywart."_ _

__"Damn right you are." Mikey playfully replied._ _

__"My son," Splinter said, getting Leo's attention, "Are you comfortable? Is there anything else we can do for you?"_ _

__Leo shook his head, replying, "No, you've already done more than enough. I can't thank you guys enough. Just...Stay with me please? Stay until my breathing stops."_ _

__"Of course we will stay with you." Splinter said with a smile._ _

__"We would never leave you, Leo. Never ever." Mikey added, kissing Leo's head, just like Leo would do to Mikey when he was little._ _

__"Thank you." Leo whispered, his vision beginning to haze a bit._ _

__Leo had to blink and rub his eyes to try to readjust his blurry vision._ _

___He didn't have long left,_ Leo realised._ _

___It was time to say their last goodbyes._ _ _

__"I'm going to miss you guys." Leo said, holding back tears, "You're the best family anyone could ever ask for. There's no other people I would rather spend the last of my days with."_ _

__Leo turned to Splinter, who was on the verge of crying himself, "Father, you have taught me nearly everything I know. Everything I am, everything I've accomplished, I have you to thank for. Thank you for everything you've done for me."_ _

__Leo then turned to Raph, saying, "Raph, thanks for always challenging me and motivating me to improve myself. I'm sorry for all those times I was too harsh on you or argued with you on stupid things. I know you're going to be an awesome leader and an even better big brother to Mikey and Donnie."_ _

__Leo coughed, a petal falling from his mouth. _He would have to be quick._ "Donnie, thanks for always being there to fix my mistakes and filling any holes that may come up in some of the plans I've formed. Also, thanks for all the time you spend making awesome inventions to help us. All of them are amazing and we appreciate every one."_ _

__Finally, Leo turned to Mikey who was smiling sadly, tears rolling down his cheeks, "Mikey, most of all, I would like to thank you. Thank you for being my brother, my friend, my not-official husband, my sunshine, my happiness and my everything. You're the best thing in my entire life and I can't imagine where I would be without you. I love you with all my heart and not even a mountain of these stupid flowers will change that. Even in death, I'll still love you forever."_ _

__Turning to look at his entire family, Leo smiled despite the tears on his face, saying, "I love you guys!"_ _

__By the time that he had finished, there was not a dry eye left in the room._ _

__"We love you too, Leo!" Donnie said as he, Raph, Mikey and Splinter all hugged Leo tightly._ _

__Leo smiled, finding comfort in the embrace of his family._ _

__"I love you, Leo. More than anything in the whole wide world! Even more than pizza!" Mikey said through sobs as he nuzzled Leo tenderly._ _

__"I love you guys too."_ _

__**And I know it's taking all my strength to keep emotions alive.** _ _

__Suddenly, Leo's chest tightened as he began vomiting once more. There was much more blood and flowers than any of the previous times Leo had vomited._ _

___Leo realised this was the end._ _ _

___In the embrace of his family, who Leo tried desperately to not get a lot of vomit on, Leo decided he was content with this ending._ _ _

__None of his family moved away, even as bits of blood and flowers splashed onto them. It began to become harder and harder to breathe and it was becoming harder to get the flowers out. Leo could feel them blossoming in his throat. He felt like his throat and chest were about to explode from the flowers inside. Eventually, his airway was blocked completely by the devilish flowers and Leo began to choke, gasping and gagging helplessly with what little life he had left._ _

__His vision beginning to blur, Leo looked up at Mikey one last time._ _

___His brother._ _ _

___His best friend._ _ _

___His lover._ _ _

__Leo smiled, eyes closing as he allowed his body to become limp in his family's embrace._ _

__Mikey noticed Leo's body become limp and his mask of forced happiness crumbled, revealing the devastation and horror Mikey had been hiding underneath. "LEO!" Mikey yelled as he desperately shook his brother, hoping that by some miracle, he would wake up._ _

__Tears leaked from Mikey's eyes like waterfalls, something that was unusual to see from Mikey, who was usually the carefree, optimistic one in the family. Raph placed a hand on Mikey's shoulder to stop him, saying, "Mikey, dude stop! He's gone! There's nothing more you can do."_ _

__Mikey eventually gave in. Laying Leo's body back down gently, Mikey gently cupped Leo's lifeless face. "I can't believe he's gone..." Mikey sobbed sadly._ _

__"Mikey, I'm so sorry." Donnie quietly said, he and Raph hugging their little brother tightly._ _

__Splinter frowned, putting his own grief aside to try to cheer up Mikey. "What would Leonardo say if he saw you right now, Michelangelo? He wouldn't want you to cry, he would want you to be happy. You must be happy for Leonardo's sake." Splinter said, rubbing his paw on Mikey's back._ _

__"Master Splinter is right, Mikey. Where's that annoyingly cheerful Mikey we all know and love?" Raph asked, trying to lighten the mood._ _

__"I don't think he's here right now." Mikey glumly said between sobs and sniffles, "In fact, I don't know if anyone is here right now."_ _

__Mikey looked up at his brothers and father, his eyes almost as lifeless as Leo's. It was unnerving, startling and frightening. His family weren't used to seeing such a dark expression on Mikey's usually grinning face. Mikey's expression could only be described in one way - bone-chilling._ _

___"I feel empty."_ _ _

__**Loving you is suicide.** _ _

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry I'm not sorry. :D


End file.
